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Dr. Jeffrey Kane

Feb 20, 2023

Feeling Sexually Deprived in Your Relationship?

One of the greatest reality checks in a relationship is when you realize that your sexual connection has disappeared. It truly stinks! The amazing “spark” that you once shared feels like it’s gone on a permanent vacation. In fact, the harder you try to get “it” going again can unintentionally make things worse if you are implementing the wrong solutions. Before any real answers can be found, the first step is to understand what created the disconnection to begin with. 

Let’s explore some of things that go wrong for couples that leave the road of passion behind and enter the highway of sexual deprivation.

Communication When the Lights Are On

What are you doing to create connection outside the bedroom? It’s so easy to solely focus on the physical aspects of intimacy. Spending time having “deeper” talks to understand one another is critically important. Plugging into the relationship throughout the week to see how one another are doing are keys to growing your love.

Sometimes it can feel easier to keep things to yourself and not share what’s happening with your loved one. The problem is that the less they know about where you are the less you will feel connected. Don’t make it a guessing game. Share the “unspoken” conversation you are having with yourself is the first step in beginning to expand how you know one another and creating a deeper connection!

Loss of Excitement & Spontaneity

Getting comfortable with your loved one is good in some ways but can be a setup for major failures in your sex life. I know it’s not supposed to work this way. Unfortunately, feeling comfortable, especially over a long-term relationship can breed complacency. Yes, you simply take your loved one for granted and stop engaging in fun, exciting behavior.

Surprises are great. An unexpected late night romantic night at home after kids are in bed or a surprise lunch at the office can mix things up nicely. Not knowing what your partner may do next to create so fun in your relationship offers a nice taste of newness to your love connection.

You may be thinking that these “little” ways to mix things up will not make a difference. The reality is that for couples who experience a good sex life know how to keep things fresh.  Think about all the ways to keep your senses alive in your relationship. The possibilities are endless if you’re willing to add a little variety into your love life now and then.

Failure to Flirt

Is flirting solely for newlyweds or when you trying to pick someone up when you are single? Not at all! Self-imposed limitations inevitably get in the way of developing a strong, thriving relationship.  Sexual deprivation is strongly connected to lack of flirting. Simply said, couples who regularly flirt with one another have a closer, more intimate connection.

 In my work with couples, it’s been quite clear that as a couple’s flirting decreases (or stops) so does their sexual relationship. If you believe that flirting is “complicated” you are probably making a bigger deal about it than it really is.  A smile, wink, tickle, cute tweet, sexy look or sensuous touch can be a game changer.  Don’t overthink it. Be playful and open yourself up to having fun.  It can make a huge difference.

Negative Sexual Energy

A narrow focus on just the “act” of having sex, while ignoring the other essential ingredients, greatly contributes to a downward spiraling of a couple’s sex life. If motivation to treat you’re loved on in a certain way is solely based on what may or may not happen in bed you are setting things up for failure.  Sexual deprivation often surfaces by trying “too hard” to make things happen.  The natural “flow” is lost and it becomes all about the desired result.

It’s very important to build positive sexual energy in your relationship. You may think this is difficult but it’s not. It’s simply doing all the small things that build a nice, adrenaline-flowing mixture that creates anticipation and excitement. The way you use your eyes to “check out” your loved one and show you really care are important ingredients to building positive sexual energy. Letting your partner know you are very “into” them pays amazing dividends over time.

Visual stimulation can also help plant the seeds for a better sexual connection.  What you wear can turn on or off your partner.  A little trip to the mall to pick up some sensual clothing can be fun. It’s okay to be a little (or very) kinky – the key is being willing to leave your comfort zone and try something new.  See, it’s all about having fun and building excitement. Of course, the simple art of flirting (see above) will heighten your sexual energy and take things to a next level.

Positive sexual energy is not something that is created when you are lying in your bed and the lights are out.  It’s the “build-up” of all the “little things” you do to express and show your love and connection. When the lights go out, it should feel easy and simply be “icing on the cake.”

If you are having a difficult time implementing change in your intimate relationship, it may be time to look below the surface.  Marriage counseling or couples therapy may be a good first step!

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