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Dr. Jeffrey Kane

Feb 20, 2023

5 Simple Changes to Increase Intimacy and Stop Losing Love in Your Relationship

Could you be losing love in your relationship and not even know it? How often is intimacy a part of your relationship? You can ignore it all you want but intimacy and love are key ingredients in a thriving relationship.    It provides fuel to your relationship and allows you to feel close to your spouse.  Of course, intimacy requires effort on the part of the couple and works the best when it’s a “two-way street.”  It should not feel like work or a chore.   Intimacy is the “playground” for adults should be full of fun and adventure.

So, what does intimacy look like in a relationship? Let’s explore some ways you can use to stop losing love and begin to increase intimacy and how to have a loving relationship starting today!

Change #1: Share your feelings.

I’m sure you have heard so many times that intimacy is the key to a successful marriage.   Losing love does not happen on it’s own!  Sharing your feelings is a key ingredient to grow your relationship over time.   How often do you share your feeling in your relationship?   You know the raw emotions that you are feeling deep in your heart and soul.   The “mushy” stuff that pulls at your heart strings.

  • Sharing how you feel about your spouse and what they do that makes you feel good will allow you to feel closer.
  • All too often, couples concentrate solely on sharing negative feelings and totally overlook the good things that create a closer connection.
  • We all love positive reinforcement and it makes you feel more connected.  Saying “I love you” and expressing how you feel will allow you to feel closer and grow your love over time.

Change #2: Be affectionate.

Words alone are simply not enough to increase intimacy in your relationship.   Couples often feel that they are losing love when they notice less and less affection.  How do you show your loved one how you feel?

  • Showing your feelings with action that back up what you are saying will make a huge difference.
  • Kisses, hugs, flirting and smiling are great ways of showing your love.
  • Using touch in a selective and seductive way can set the tone for what happens in the bedroom when the lights are out.

Change #3: Open your mind and heart.

This one sounds like a cliché. But opening your mind and heart simply refers to your willingness to talk to your spouse about anything and everything. Neither one of you should have fear of approaching a topic that is uncomfortable.  Shouldn’t your spouse be your lover and best friend?   Opening up about challenges you are experiencing and finding solutions together will make you feel closer and set the tone for intimacy in your relationship.

Are you being vulnerable in your relationship?   Someone who is not open to being loved or loving someone else can never build intimacy.

  • Often, opening your mind and heart might be the most difficult step in increasing intimacy.
  • If you find yourself being closed off to the idea of love or being able to talk to your spouse about certain issues, you might consider marriage counseling.
  • A third party may be able to help you break through walls that have kept you stuck for years.

Change #4: Build comfort and security.

Trust is a large part of building intimacy in a relationship. Knowing your partner is dependable goes a long way to helping you feel comfortable,

  • When you trust your partner, the walls you might have built come undone.  And fears, such as being naked with the lights on or worrying about being judged for your past, tend to fade away.
  • This helps the intimacy to grow and how you have a loving relationship that will grow over time.
  • You learn more things about each other and feel ever more comfortable in the other’s presence. That, in turn, makes you feel more secure in the relationship. You suddenly don’t think that the little spat you had yesterday means the end of your marriage.

Change #5: Have sex.

Although affection my not always lead to sex, it should go down that path once in a while.  It’s great to feel the warmth of your loved one’s body and connecting in a deep way.   Men tend to want to be closer or more intimate if they are having sex. Women want sex when intimacy increases.

  • So, having sex with one another on a consistent basis can help both man and woman get what he or she wants.
  • Sex should be more than just going through the motions together. It should be fun and exciting.
  • A little adventure along the can also spice things up a little.
  • You should try to really get in the mood for love with extra foreplay; be sure to make your loved one feel desirable. Of course, couples that are having a fulfilling sex life tend to be happier and feel closer to one another.
  • Most importantly, enjoy the experience and be you!”

I always tell couples in marriage counseling that overcoming the feeling of losing love and change are not easy but it is well worth it in the end.  Noticing what is breaking down in your life is the first step in beginning to do something different.  The key is being honest with yourself so you can be honest with the world around you.

Change will only happen when you are willing to open the door and invite change into your life.

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